brittanyyb.

Well this WAS perfect.

Okay.

So, I’m really not trying to be rude at all whatsoever.

But, you (girl, who just started following me, blonde hair, saw you at church last night, short). Please.This is where I vent, where I write everything I feel and I sort of made this so that I could write and only a few people would see it. I would really appreciate it if you stopped following me and never looked at my page again.

I know I sound incredibly rude right now but, I just really feel very strongly about this. Its nothing against you in the least. I just need you to stop. Please.

Is there a way to block people from seeing your tumblr?

If so, I’d like to know.

You are my portion forever. You fill my cup.

When Priscilla and I were talking. She encouraged me to find a scripture and just repeat it over and over when I’m struggling or when my mind wanders to a place it shouldn’t. She mentioned, “I am walking down the narrow path.” I think it’s what she repeated when her and Caleb were broken up. This morning I woke up earlier than I would have liked, but I kept thinking, “Lean not on your own understandings, He will make your path straight.” So I found that verse in my Bible: Proverbs 3:5-6 - “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” I underlined and dated it in my Bible. I think God put that verse on my mind and in my heart because that is what I need to repeat to myself. I layed there for a long time, trying to go back to sleep, but my mind was awake and alert, thinking of things I shouldn’t. Everytime I realized it, I repeated that verse and then just prayed. I had conversations with God. Cody said the other night that he has been doing that throughout the day, and I think that is wonderful. I want to do that as well. And this morning was the beginning of that. I read more last night and this morning, obviously. And ever since I started Psalms, I’ve been writing down verses in my journal that I feel stand out, or that reflect me in some way, or that I need to remember. So I’m going to share those with everyone daily:

“…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” -Psalm 30:5

“…Be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.” -Psalm 31:2

“I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.” -Psalm 31:7

“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.” -Psalm 31:9

“How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You.” -Psalm 31:19

“Be strong and take heart, all You who hope in the LORD.” -Psalm 31:24

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” -Psalm 32:8

“We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.” -Psalm 33:20-21

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:17-18

“A righteous man may have many troubles but the LORD delivers Him from them all.” -Psalm 34:19

“Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithefulness to the skies.” -Psalm 36:5

Here are some more that I underlined in my Bible, but that I didn’t write in my journal:

“O LORD, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!” -Psalm 8:1

“I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; My body also will rest secure.” -Psalm 16:8-9

“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul… Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” -Psalm 23:1-4

“No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame…” -Psalm 25:3

“My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” -Psalm 25:15

“The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?” -Psalm 27:1

I think the Psalms are starting to be one of my favorite books of the Bible. David was such a strong man of God. So encouraging, and such a blessing God has given us to be able to read about his struggles, and his rejoicing through them. And being able to see how he gets through his guilt with sin, his forgiveness from God, and his repentance. I am really glad that God has me reading through Psalms during this time in my life. Coincidence? I think not.

I'm really struggling =,\

I need Jesus.
I need to pray.
I need to have people pray for me.
I need to have people pray with me.
I need to be discipled by a wise and Godly woman.

I’m asking for help.

And I write...

I’m not stupid. I’m not being immature about this. My feelings aren’t just feelings, they’re thoughts, realizations, and desires.

I know that I’m not lost without you. I know that I can live without you. You are not my everything or my whole world. You are not the perfect guy. I can survive without you. My life isn’t ruined because of our messed up relationship. I know that if God wants me to, I will get over you eventually. My relationship with God isn’t compromised because I’m hurting about us. I’m struggling a lot, but I realize that things could be a lot worse. I don’t hate my life, and I don’t want a new one. I don’t wish I was numb so that I can’t feel the pain. I don’t wish I don’t love you. I don’t wish I never met you. I didn’t give you my heart, and I don’t want to. I don’t hate you. I’m angry, but I’m not bitter. I don’t hate you because I’m angry. I don’t hate you because I’m hurt. I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to not be happy without me. I want you to hang out with your friends and have a good time. I don’t want you to feel like I do, I never have. I don’t want to just sit at home and eat ice cream all day and dwell on the pain. That is not where I am at.

I loved you. And that will not end. You are my best friend. I have never had anyone in my life like you. I have never been as close to anyone as I have with been you. I have never trusted anyone like I trusted you. No one has ever worked as hard to gain my trust or my friendship as you. None of my relationships of any kind have meant as much to me as ours does.

The things I miss the most aren’t kissing you, or you texting me every morning, or any of those cheesy things. Of course I miss those things, I do very much. But when I think about missing you, I think about just talking to you. On the phone, in person, in the car, in China Wall, Chili’s, I just miss it. I miss knowing exactly what to pray for you about, I miss knowing how you are doing, I miss you messing with me, and me messing with you. I miss looking into your eyes and knowing exactly what you mean when you talk to me, even when you are struggling for words. I miss being able to tell you how I’m doing. I miss you knowing exactly how I am right when I just say “Hello”. I miss being able to tell you that I love you any time I want. And you being able to do the same. That is what I miss the most. Talking.

But I know that I can live without that, without any of those things. I know that if God wants me to, then I will move on. That if God wants me to, I will stop missing those things one day. I just don’t know what God wants yet. I know what he wants for this summer. Which is good. So I’m just going by that for now. Like I’ve said a million times.

I’m just going to keep going. But I’m not going to talk to Jenn about anything anymore. She’s in the middle and she shouldn’t be. I need to talk to someone who doesn’t feel like they have to hide things from me, or that they can’t tell me something. I understand why she thought that, I don’t think she did anything wrong. I just can’t do that anymore. It’s too hard for all of us. I’ll just talk to my mom only. She wont tell Cody anything, or keep anything from me. She wont have anything she feels she will need to. It’s not that I don’t want Cody to know what I’m saying, its just that makes her in the middle, and she should’t be. I want to Cody to hear the things I’m saying from me, not from her or anyone else. Just like I want to hear what he’s saying or how he’s feeling from him, not from anyone else. I think that’s very immature to do that any other way. It’s hard for me, to make that decision, because I’ve been blessed to be able to talk to Jenn as much as I have. But she can’t be in the middle, and I’m not going to make her choose. So I’m choosing for her. She was friends with Cody before she was friends with me, I know her because of Cody. So that would not be at all right to make her choose. She is a good friend, she has been one of my closest lately. But I just can’t go like I have been anymore. I hope that she will be able to encourage Cody and pray for him. I hope that she will encourage him to find a guy that cares about him to talk to and confide in, since Jacob hasn’t been there for him. I hope that she will encourage him to talk to Pastor Mike as soon as possible. I hope that she will not let him settle without having a Godly man to talk to. He needs that more than ever right now, and I hope she sees that. I know that God is in control, and that He has, and will continue to, move in Cody about talking to Pastor Mike. So it really wont matter what she does, but it definitely will help. I can just feel his struggles, his pain. And it hurts me too. So of course I’m worried, and I want him to be taken care of as best he can be. And I wish I could be the one to do so. Maybe someday, I will be able to. But not now, and not anytime in the near future. So I will continue to pray for all of those things that I said before.

I’m just going to keep going. That’s all I can do.

How God feels about us:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful You are
And how great Your afflictions for me

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

We are his portion
And He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so
Yea He loves us
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so
Yea He loves us
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so


I wish I could just repeat that over and over and over again forever, because it will NEVER be enough compared to how much Christ really does love us!! I’m playing this song on repeat right now. And I don’t want to turn it off. His grace is more than enough for everything that we have done, enough to cover all of our sin. We really are sinking in His grace! He makes my heart burn violently when I think about how much He loves us, and when I think about how His grace has washed me clean and how it is just overflowing daily in my life!! GOD, THE MAKER OF THE UNIVERSE, LOVES US! He doesn’t just have a stupid Jr. High crush on us, He loves us! He wants us to spend the rest of our lives in His arms. And, well… Who am I to decline that invitation from Christ? Let Him hold you, feel His grace flowing over you, washing you, feel His affections for you. Let yourself sink in His grace! He is jealous for you! HE LOVES YOU.

Wow… Just… Wow.